Dating and remarriage:: one CityMom's advice
Marriage and remarriage, with children, can bring so many positive experiences to a family. But that doesn’t mean it comes easily or without struggles. Single parents understand the challenge that comes with raising children alone, but raising a blended family has a fair share of rough adventures too! It’s easy for the adults to envision starting a life with the one they love, and all the benefits that marrying would offer them. But to the children involved, the vision could be quite different.
I remarried almost two years ago, my husband and I each brought a set of children into our family. Dating with kids was difficult. Getting married again was not something I considered without a great deal of thought. There were many things I had to think about when I chose to pursue new romantic relationships, mostly how this would impact my children. And although they were my #1 priority it was still hard for me to put my selfish desires aside in order to consider theirs.
This is why I feel it’s so important to talk about getting married when children are involved. As a mother, the desire to provide safety, stability, and structure for my children is important. When dating, I constantly questioned, is this in my best interest only? Am I considering the children too? I had many questions
!I relied a lot on my children to be open and honest with me about my dating and remarriage journey. This opened the door to see things through their eyes. Recently, I asked two of my kids if they’d be willing to discuss their perspectives. They were open to the idea, and with respect to their privacy, I won’t be using names or ages. {Currently, our children are all between the ages of 10 and 16}. Through our open communication, and willingness to welcome one another's feelings, we have established a family built on trust, and one we hope will continue to grow in joy and love.
What were your feelings when you found out I was getting married?
“My feelings were mixed, I was kinda sad about it but also happy for you. I was used to just the three of us and I didn’t want to move. I still miss some things, but not as much as I thought I would.”
Did you have any fears?
“I did have a fear that the relationship would not work and there would be a divorce again. And it was really hard to tell you that though because it sounded really negative.”
“I was scared about having to move to a new place. And that you guys would change over time, like couples sometimes do after they are in a relationship for a while.”
What advice would you give to other kids whose parents are getting married?
“It’s going to be hard at first with all the changes, but having a positive attitude will make it easier! It’s actually not as hard as I thought it would be initially. And there are a lot of good things that have come from my mom getting married that we didn’t have before.”
What suggestions can you give other families who are thinking about getting married and blending?
“Be open to counseling and therapy, for the kids and family. It’s really nice to have a therapist to talk to about everything going on.”
“Let the kids have time to accept and adapt to all the changes. Don’t move so fast that it’s confusing for the kids. It took me a lot of time.”
“Don’t push kids to do things they aren’t comfortable with, especially pushing to have you accept the other person as a parental figure.”
“Don’t hide the fact that you are dating, especially to older kids. The longer you are dating someone without telling us, the longer it takes to process the dating to marriage timeline.”
“Allow kids to adjust to the marriage on their own time and don’t push them into accepting the changes when you want them too. We are even still adjusting after a few years.”
“Be open to hearing your child’s opinions, fears, and concerns.”
“Talk to your child. Sometimes I just want time alone, but it’s good to know that I have a mom available and open when I need it.”
“Be positive towards the kids, even if they don’t have the best attitudes about things.”
“Make sure you are marrying someone who has the same values and beliefs as you. Kids don’t want to be in the middle of arguments about big decisions over big things.”
“If you have step-siblings, it’s sometimes stressful to have to deal with any differences in your family rules and beliefs between the other homes. Just know that is hard for us.”
KNOW A STEPMOM?: Check out the 5 things a stepmom needs from you
These are very strong and valid statements, and important for me to know. If you can learn anything from my experience, it’s to allow ample time for your children to adjust, encourage an open and transparent dialogue with them from the start, and make sure you are available and willing to listen to their thoughts and feelings, even if they aren’t what you want to hear. This made a world of difference in our journey. Every day we make the conscious decision to talk to each other, to bring our family together.
If you are currently a mother who is thinking about dating and marriage, know you are not alone in the fears you might have! But also know, this might just be the best opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your children.
The author of this post wished to remain anonymous but for all single moms, blended families and step-parents out there living this reality, she wants you to know you are doing great!
