Am I supposed to like my mom body?
One word: Uncomfortable. That about sums up how I feel on most days. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel like me. I feel fat and uncomfortable.
Am I supposed to like this mom body of mine?
Ever since having kids I’ve felt like this. I don’t feel good about getting dressed. I don’t feel good in many of my clothes. I don’t feel good around my husband. I don’t feel good around my friends. I absolutely HATE having pictures of myself taken. I feel less than. And yes, it’s mostly because of my weight. Growing up, I was a competitive figure skater. I was never a gal with an eating disorder or anything like that, but it was always expressed if I was “too big” for certain things. I remember when my coach told me “It’s like skating around holding a 5 or 10 lb bag of sugar” and I especially remember being bigger when trying out for Disney on Ice. Sending in videos along with EVERY SINGLE MEASUREMENT YOU CAN THINK OF was extra terrifying. But you had to fit into their costumes and if you didn’t, then you didn’t fit into the show -- EVEN if you were an extraordinary skater. I was good enough to be in the chorus but not small enough to fit. I’ve never been a small girl, pretty comfy around a size ten but was a size six for our wedding. Man, that felt good. But most would have said I was too skinny. And I probably was. But now, I’m a size 14 and I’ve never been this big. I’ve literally doubled in size over the last 8 years. How is that even possible?! While I don’t always feel and maybe don’t always look overweight, when I look in the mirror I just see all the imperfections. And we all know as gals, that the only person who we really listen to when it comes to weight is that little devil on our shoulder and that damn scale. Every day is a struggle with what to wear. Most mornings I literally empty each and every drawer - shirts, pants, bras, even underwear! I even change my underwear {yes, granny panties} to try to cover up the extra skin from having two babies... I am uncomfortable in almost everything I own. Except my workout clothes {keyword: spandex} and even then sometimes I just focus on the roll that falls over my pants. It’s hard. Most mornings I want to cry. If we have somewhere to go and I need to look nice I usually end up crying before we go. I am probably crying for a multitude of reasons, but mostly it’s the stress of getting dressed and not feeling satisfied with how I look in anything anymore. You probably see me wearing almost the same thing ALL THE TIME. It’s maybe the one or two things that I have found to be fairly comfortable. Unfortunately I feel like much of my body has changed since baby number two {who just turned two} and I just might never get back to even my size 10. I am the gal who keeps clothes much longer than she should in hopes that the weight will be lost. {Aren’t we all that girl?} But I’ve recently come to the realization that might not be happening…
So here I am, two kids later and 10+years past my skating prime and I’m trying to find and accept my new size. I don’t have to be happy with it, but I need to accept it for now. I need to go out and buy myself some clothes that fit. I’ve lived in yoga or too small pants for the last two years. I just recently gave in and went out and bought “my new size” for the first time. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was a little disheartening and I hate the try on process when you aren’t really sure what will fit and what won’t, but after a few strikeouts, I found a few that were comfortable and fit well. They actually made me feel pretty good. But I needed to go out and do this shopping because I don’t have time to cry in the mornings because my clothes don’t fit or because the button on the jeans I SHOULD fit into is digging into my skin… I just can’t do that anymore…
MORE READING: Real life hacks {no seriously!} by moms, for moms
I think I’ll always struggle with my weight and my size. No matter how many times people tell you to not look at the scale, it’s really hard to avoid it! I hope to someday soon be more comfortable with myself and my body, but for now, I’m learning to live with my new size and still working to improve upon it. Eating healthy, making good choices, exercising consistently, and encouraging my family to do the same are steps in the right direction! I don’t want to be super skinny or to be a crazy fitness buff, but I want to go out in public and be wearing clothes purchased from some of my favorite stores and feel good about it! And I especially don’t want my girls to dread the scale or fear eating because of weight! So I’m trying my best to allow myself to buy that bigger than wanted size (for now) and not complain about it in front of them.
Accepting change is hard.
But always working on yourself and challenging yourself is a good thing.
So here’s to living a healthy lifestyle, accepting change, working hard, and learning to live with my new size… even if I don’t really like it.