Postpartum in a pandemic: A CityMom’s story
Editor’s Note: This month, theCityMoms are sharing stories from real mamas about their experiences with depression and anxiety as a part of our postpartum series. It is our hope that by sharing stories like Emily’s below that we will normalize these conversations and empower moms to seek support.
My husband and I walked out of my 20-week anatomy scan on March 5, 2020, with excitement and anticipation. We had just learned we were having a healthy, little girl and were eager to share with friends and family.
Emily in the hospital, preparing for the delivery of her daughter.
A month later I arrived alone for my 24-week OB appointment to find an empty waiting room when I stepped off the elevator. I checked in and the nurse handed me a cut-out square of a bed pad. She instructed me to use it to keep my mouth and nose covered at all times because there were no masks available. It was my first time out of the house in weeks and my first time coming face-to-face with the pandemic.
YOU’RE NOT ALONE: See our guide to postpoartum support resources
It’s hard to say if this was the moment that started my postpartum anxiety journey, but I look back on the time leading up to the birth of my daughter in July 2020 with bittersweet bewilderment rather than joy. I’m one of the 3.6 million women who hold the pandemic mama title. While I’ve received countless sympathetic (and sometimes even ignorant) comments about my experience, it’s a time that still draws a knot in my stomach two years later.
Baby Emerson meeting her cousin.
A study by the University of Michigan found that a third of new mothers experienced some form of postpartum depression and anxiety in the early days and months of the pandemic. (Comparably, the CDC reports 1 in 8 women typically experience PPD outside of the pandemic.) This statistic isn’t surprising for us pandemic mamas considering we wore masks while giving birth, were isolated for months, had OB appointments through a computer screen, and missed out on new baby celebrations. For some, it meant making the difficult decision to draw a hard line of not seeing family and friends at all, while mothers like me were policing houseguests to make sure they followed quarantine guidelines before seeing myself or the baby.
Emily and her family.
A Missed Diagnosis
I checked all the right boxes in the depression questionnaire at my six-week postpartum appointment. I wasn’t having the textbook symptoms of postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety wasn’t even mentioned, so I thought I had nothing to be concerned about. As we do as women, I had silently kept it together since I was 24 weeks pregnant doing my best to navigate a pandemic and becoming a new mother with little support in a chaotic world. It took a six-week stretch of back-to-back COVID closures at daycare and a hospital stay for a ruptured ovarian cyst in December 2021 for me to finally break.
LEARN MORE: Breaking down postpartum depression and anxiety
My building anxiety had finally come to the surface. Between crippling nightmares and obsessively reading every detail of tragic news, I was desperate to keep my little family safe inside our home while the rest of the world opened again. It took a follow-up appointment with my doctor where I hadn’t planned to talk about how I was struggling for the words to fall out of my mouth. She reassured me that just being able to recognize I was having a problem was one of the biggest steps I could take. I walked out of that appointment with a huge sense of relief from the validity for the mental chaos I had been experiencing.
Growing Our Family
Two years postpartum, I still struggle with anxiety revolving around my daughter’s safety. I have coping tools from my doctor and my own research, but talking about it with my husband seems to be the most therapeutic for me. Undoubtedly, our conversations always seem to end with the what-ifs around future pregnancies and our growing family.
READ MORE IN THIS SERIES: Postpartum anxiety and me, a CityMom’s story
Pregnancy during a pandemic is all I know so I often wonder if I will experience the same postpartum anxiety in “normal” times. I like to think any future pregnancies will be a walk in the park compared to the first, but only time will tell. I often replay my doctor’s words in my head that my biggest hurdle will always be to recognize my anxieties as they are happening. I know I can’t allow myself to obsess about the what-ifs. Every day, it takes a few deep breaths, and reminders to bring myself back to the present…and that’s what keeps me moving forward.
