Postpartum anxiety and me: A CityMom’s story
Editor’s Note: This month, theCityMoms are sharing stories from real mamas about their experiences with depression and anxiety as a part of our postpartum series. It is our hope that by sharing stories like Kristina’s below that we will normalize these conversations and empower moms to seek support.
While I had ups and downs after my first pregnancy, I was unprepared for the emotional rollercoaster I experienced after my second child was born. I had heard a lot about Postpartum Depression (PPD) but knew nothing about Postpartum Anxiety (PPA) which is why I didn't realize I had it until several years after its onset. Despite PPA affecting 11%-21% of moms, it is not usually covered by regular PPD screening. After several years and multiple interventions to manage the symptoms, I finally realized it was more than just typical “mom” worries.
Kristina with her family. (Image Credit: Kara Lucero Photography)
When my son was born, I experienced mood swings and felt more emotional, similar to the first couple weeks after I had my daughter. At the time, I failed to notice that my mood changes and anxiety lasted beyond those early weeks. My symptoms of PPA became even more apparent after a traumatic event: My 2-year-old fell into an unattended pool. Thankfully, she was quickly found, rescued, and did not need CPR. But my life as a mom is now separated into "before the pool incident" and "after." The worst thing that could happen to a parent had almost happened to me.
My husband handled the incident with relief and gratitude. I responded with fear and a frequent sense of impending doom. He focused on the positives of this incident: She was found quickly, and there were no crises of health or safety. She was ok. I focused on the endless possibilities and what-ifs. I had left her for no more than an hour. How could I go to work all day if it took so little time for her to end up in serious danger? Intrusive questions and catastrophic thoughts plagued me daily.
POSTPARTUM IS HARD, WE’VE BEEN THERE:
Check out our Guide to Postpartum support resources here.
To combat my anxiety, I did what I thought was rational (at the time) and became hypervigilant over my kids’ safety. I worked weekends so they could be home with my husband. During the week, they were always in my sight, home, and reach. But while my anxiety felt better managed, being at home full-time with a toddler and a baby left me feeling overextended, emotionally drained, and exhausted. Even with all these “safety measures,” I was constantly scanning for potential dangers. Every creek, pond, or over-filled bathtub became something to avoid.
Kristina’s two children, Roger and Kate (who fell into the pool as a toddler).
About a year later, my sister invited me to visit her in Seattle for a few days. I was in a new job working from home and had found a daycare I (mostly) trusted to keep my kids safe. But as I began to plan the trip, I started incessantly worrying about the plane crashing or getting hurt hiking while I was there. I felt like I couldn’t go.
It was then that I discovered Brene’ Brown and that my constant worry was more than just motherhood. I consumed everything I could: Her books, podcasts, YouTube videos, and famous Ted Talks. I began to understand the need for things to change and ultimately chose to pursue counseling (and went to Seattle!).
"You are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety."
-Elizabeth Gilbert
That experience has been vital in helping me recognize and process my feelings of anxiety as they arise. Even now, as my kids are six and eight years old, I am still working on my relationship with anxiety and honing strategies for managing it well, such as mindfulness and body awareness. As with motherhood, there's always work to be done in life. But I'm grateful for all the resources and support I'm lucky to have to help me manage it daily.
If you can relate to Kristina’s story or think you may be experiencing PPA/PPD, we encourage you to reach for support via resources like these or with a mental health professional.
