How to handle gossip
Sharing our stories and experiences is important.
It helps connect us and it is a part of human evolution, which is why it may feel natural to want to share that juicy bit of gossip.
By many definitions, gossip is a conversation about someone who isn’t present, and, depending on the context and moral perception, it can range from something that is positive and helpful to neutral and, of course, negative and hurtful. A 2019 survey in the Social Psychology and Personality Service journal found that, on average, adults spend 52 minutes a day gossiping.
It’s wise to remember that gossip is not always full of bad intentions.
It is good to share and celebrate (“Kate’s daughter got into college!”) and even tell cautionary tales (“Kate wants everyone to get to the dermatologist after her basal cell diagnosis.”). But, what should you do if the sharing crosses a line and starts to sound more like snark?
Here are our tips on how to shut negative gossip down:
When you hear it about someone else
When the tea is good and hot, it’s hard to not join in and it’s even harder to make it stop. Ignoring it or even swiftly changing the subject is helpful and kind to the individual being gossiped about. But, you also have an opportunity to be helpful and kind to the person gossiping. A quick, “I don’t think this is our business” or “I don’t like talking about this” can shut the conversation down.
Depending on your comfort level, making the person doing the gossiping aware that their tone or comment sounds mean or hurtful is actually very kind. Not just to the individual who isn’t there, but also to the gossiper. They likely don’t want to be mean or hurtful but have just gotten caught up in something that sort of seems exciting.
If they are intentionally being hurtful or positioning someone “below” them and don’t respond well to a course correction, it’s a clue to you to reevaluate your relationship with this person. Do you want to be a part of conversations like this? Or perhaps even more eye-opening to consider, what are the conversations like when you are not there?
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When it is about you
Maybe those conversations when you are not there are in fact about you and you heard someone is gossiping about you. Ouch. It’s okay to be hurt. Before you get too upset, remind yourself that not all gossip has bad intentions. Consider if the conversation that was about you was true and maybe even helpful or purposeful. Use it as an opportunity to reflect on yourself and your behavior. Or, was someone close to you sharing a secret, trying to make you look bad, or just being mean?
If it’s the latter, address it with the people involved in a mature, direct way. This may mean taking a little time to cool off and ensure your response to their behavior and cruelty isn’t also cruel. Being kind and clear in your request for the rumors to stop will help forge a clear path for you to set the record straight and maybe receive an apology.
Remember, a rumor can make you concerned about what other people think of you, but try not to let it change what you think of yourself. Try to remain confident, level headed, and keep “doing you.” People who know you well, will also know better than to believe the rumor mill.
When you are the gossiper
First of all, kudos to you for your self-awareness. Second, take a breath. We all are guilty of gossiping from time to time. Gossip is a natural social skill. But, maybe you are reflecting and know that you have been too harsh or even crossed a line. Apologize and make things right, if it’s needed. To help you stop it from happening again, try to do a quick gut check before sharing a story about someone else again. Ask yourself, “Is this mean? Am I trying to make this person look bad? Is it even true?”
So many of us are looking to form strong friendships and we build those relationships on deep, personal connections. The rumor mill makes for a shaky foundation. Negative gossip can impact both our inner and outer lives, disrupting relationships and mental health. Keep your sharing and the sharing in your circles real, but also positive and watch trust, connection, and friendship grow into something really special.
