My Mother-in-law passed, how do I honor her memory?
Mother-in-law passed
Christmas is here! For so many of us it is magic and memories, family and fun. It’s the most wonderful time of the year… until it isn’t. My mother-in-law passed away in late October and I’m struggling to know how to honor her and comfort my husband as we celebrate the holidays.
After we had to cancel our Disney vacation in March {Damn, you Covid!}, we decided to spend some well-deserved ad socially-distanced time out of town in the Smoky Mountains during Fall Break. The day we arrived, just as we were driving into town, my brother-in-law tried to FaceTime us. He was with my mother-in-law and they wanted to say a quick hello. We were in the car, trying to find our way to our cabin, and opted for a phone chat instead. She was in the hospital for some stomach issues and was soon to be transferred to a rehab facility for the remainder of her recovery. I didn’t know that was the last time we would speak to her.
Later that week, just as we were leaving for a mountainside hike, we got the call. She had woken up for breakfast, chatted with the staff, and when they came back 20 minutes later she had passed. I was literally sitting on the side of a mountain with my husband and two kids, trying to figure out what to do. It was chaos, immediately packing up our vacation, making a mad dash back to Indiana to swap out our hiking gear for funeral apparel, and driving immediately to New Jersey. My husband functioning in a thick fog of grief while I went into crisis management mode.
I’m haunted by that last conversation we had with my mother-in-law. She didn’t often speak to me on the phone, but made a point that day to tell us to love each other {she’s was not verbally sentimental, so this was very out of character for her} and before she hung up told me to take care of my husband. Looking back, I wonder if she knew deep down what was coming, what we didn’t believe was going to happen. Now, I’m faced with honoring her words, and caring for him as his heart heals. As a mother, I understand her words, and the importance for her to insure her child was cared for and loved. There’s nothing a momma won’t do to protect her baby, no matter their age.
TALKING ABOUT LOSS, another CityMom shares her experience of losing her father-in-law
My husband was a later-in-life baby, and by the time I met him in our late 20’s, my in-laws were already older. My mother-in-law, has struggled with health issues for some time, suffering from several strokes before I met her, so I never knew the mother she was before. I never saw her in her “mom element,” carrying out the Christmas magic. We began our marriage in New Jersey, but moved to Indiana soon after our first child was born {hello, cheaper cost of living!} five years ago, so my connection with my in-laws has been over a great distance. I never saw the traditional Christmas from my husband’s childhood. I never sampled her favorite meals to cook or learned her Christmas cookie recipe. That time was gone.
After the funeral, it has been a mad dash of holidays, major work projects, and getting life back in order. There hasn’t been time to truly sit and feel. All month I have been fretting over how to bring my mother-in-law into our Christmas. This is a painful time for my husband to not have his mother. Christmas memories are intrinsically tied to your childhood family and those traditions you built together. I’ve asked my husband several times if there is anything special I can do. Do you want me to cook a special breakfast? Is there a song she loved? Can we play a game your family enjoyed? Like a typical guy, he can’t think of anything.
Sadly, this year, we won’t be able to make the trip to New Jersey to celebrate with my husband’s family {thanks again, Covid!}. So, I’m here, hundreds of miles from his childhood Christmas memories, hoping to conjure up something to offer him comfort.
I can see my husband struggling, the grief in his eyes. I catch him tearing up watching our kids decorate the Christmas tree and see him duck into the privacy of our room for a few quiet minutes after a phone call with his dad. I’m worried I’m not doing the right things, I’m not doing what she asked to take care of him.I found a local Momma {thanks, Home Sweet Meow!} who recreates gifts with loved-one’s handwriting. After scrounging through our basement for old cards, I found several and she was able to put together a sweet ornament for my husband, father-in-law, and brother-in-law. We collect sentimental Christmas ornaments and relish unpacking them and decorating the tree each year. I hope seeing his mother’s kind words, is, in some small way, a comfort and something we can look at for years to come.
Helping your partner through a major loss is something I was not prepared for. Nothing you can do or say feels like enough. You’re helpless to ease their grief, to fix their problem. I’ll never be able to make it OK. There will always be a hole in his life, in our family, where she was. I hope we can find ways to pour our love into that hole and make a place of happy memories.
