How our modern marriage looks in a pandemic
From the day we got married nearly six years ago, my husband Nathan and I have done our best to have an “equal” marriage. And this is my story of our modern marriage in a pandemic.
We both took my maiden name as our middle names and his last name as our surname, and gave our son the same combination. We did our best to split housework evenly between the two of us. We moved to Tennessee for my job when we were engaged, then moved to Fishers for his job a few years later. I’d write the grocery list but he’d do the shopping, or I’d clean the house but he’d handle all the trash.
For about five years, I think we did a really good job of keeping things equal, including the infamous “mental load” a female partner typically carries in a marriage.
But, the pandemic has challenged that in nearly every way.
In June, I quit my full-time job as a director of communication for two reasons – one, so we could pull our son Jack out of daycare for the health of our family, and two, so I could launch my own communications business. I quit my job to pursue a different way forward with my career, but when I quit my job, the dynamic in our relationship slowly started to evolve.
Over the past eight months, more and more of the housework and mental work has slowly fallen to me.
When Jack was in daycare, we had defined roles and tasks. It was my job to prep his bottles for daycare, Nathan’s job to start his laundry. My husband’s job to do the dinner dishes, my job to wind Jack down for bedtime.
Since quitting my full-time job, I find that laundry has fallen primarily to me, along with the general upkeep of the house, which has exploded with all three of us home. I find myself making dinner, doing dishes throughout the day, prepping all of the snacks, and constantly wiping up messes – in between my own work and providing never-ending entertainment to our toddler, of course.
I don’t think this is the fault of my husband.
He’s struggling with his own challenges of balancing his work hours with trying to figure out how best to support me. I do think it’s the fault of deeply-rooted gender roles – ones that I too need to unlearn.
I grew up with a stay-at-home mom for much of my life, and she’s told me it took her years to learn that her job was to raise the kids, not take care of the house. That’s something I am trying to learn myself, as I also fight to live in a space between stay-at-home mom and work-from-home mom.
For me, that means a lot of things, and mainly letting go of guilt – the guilt that since I quit my job, the house is mine to upkeep now, so why am I complaining. Guilt that since my husband currently makes more money than me, it’s my job to do all of the childcare even if it pushes into my own meetings. Guilt that I should be able to do all of these things, and yet I can’t.
The fact is, no one can do all of this. What we’re being asked to do is insane, for every parent living through this time.
This pandemic has meant constant learning and shifting, for all of us. It has pushed us into completely new roles and forced us to challenge many ways of thinking. For our marriage, that’s meant testing the foundation of equality we’ve always strived to hit. Every day, we’re fighting to find our way back to center.
I know that we’ll get there. I know we’re already ahead of the curve by talking about it, and by trying different combinations of household divisions to see what might stick. I’m grateful to have a partner who values all of this as much as I do, and I’m grateful that we do have a good foundation to start with.
We’ll get there, but it’ll take time.
I remind myself often that with every load of laundry shared or Google calendar invite to watch Jack during one of my meetings, we’re a little bit closer.
