How to Handle Back-to-School Behavior: Calming Your Child (and Yourself)
“They act out because they feel safe with you.”
As moms, we’ve heard this line a thousand times. And while it is 100% true, it’s not easy to be the person your kids feel safe screaming and testing boundaries with, especially during the transition back to school. Because this period is hard for both us and our kids. New teachers, new classmates, new routines affect even the most regulated little person or young adult. And all this new stuff affects us because our children need a release, and home is their place. So, mom to mom, I want to share some advice on how to stay present and grounded as our kiddos move from summer to school.
Understanding the Science Behind Big Emotions
Before I get to the tips and tricks, I need to give you a quick biology lesson. I promise it will be fast. So, here we go: When your body senses a threat (including emotional ones like screaming or chaos), it sends an alert to your brain that says, “we’re not safe.” When that happens, your brain flips into survival mode, and your prefrontal cortex (the part responsible for logic, patience, and emotional regulation) goes offline. This is why people, i.e. you, yell, snap and lose your cool even when you know better.
Because loud cries, getting yelled at, and the potential of getting hit feels unsafe to anybody, even if your perpetrator is 3ft 5in. Hence, the only way to stop getting pulled into their storm is to train your body and brain to feel safe and in control during tense or uncomfortable situations. And lucky for you, that’s exactly what this article is about.
Now that you understand why spirals are common during this time, let’s talk about what you can do to support your kid(s) and keep your cool during the transition back to school.
Here’s How To Support Yourself and Your Kids During Back-to-School Transitions
Back-to-School Emotions Pre-Work
Transitioning back to school is hard on everyone, but you can adjust better if you take the time to prepare. To ensure your body stays calm in chaos, you have to do work before it hits. Because no one regulates well in the middle of a meltdown — not them and not us. Here are 3 things you can do to help regulate your body in advance so you don’t get pulled into anyone else’s dysregulation:
Eat Three Meals A Day. If you’re like me, sometimes I confuse scraps for meals. But, sis, the body cannot thrive (does not feel safe) when it’s starving. So, make sure you nourish yourself during this period, as it will give you the juice you need to handle all the emotions that come up at the beginning of the school year.
Drink Water. It seems so basic, but dehydration amplifies stress in the body. When you’re low on fluids, your nervous system becomes more reactive, meaning a spilled smoothie or minor meltdown can send you into a spiral. So drink up, not just for hydration, but for regulation.
Tone Your Vagus Nerve. This nerve is like your body’s internal chill button. Humming, deep belly breaths, cold splashes on your face, or even a gentle neck stretch help tone it, i.e. strengthen your body’s ability to shift out of stress and into calm. Do one of these things daily to help your body build stress resilience before the chaos begins.
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Back-to-School Emotions In-The-Moment Work
Even with all the prep in the world, there will be times you still feel some sort of way in the moments of their meltdowns. That’s life with kids, especially during transitions. So, here’s what to do in the moment to stay steady when they act out:
Let Go Of Control*. This one feels really hard, but when you try to control their behavior and what you feel because of it, you’re fighting against reality. And when you fight against reality, you suffer. So, instead of trying to immediately shut down what’s happening, take a beat and accept that it is happening.
Breathe Before You Speak. As soon as you remember, take one long inhale and an even longer exhale before you say your next word. Believe it or not, that one breath will signal to your brain, “we’re okay” and begin to create space between their chaos and your reaction to it.
Say One Of These Phrases To Yourself.
“My calm is more powerful than their chaos.”
“I’m safe and we’re okay.”
“I can feel this and still show love.”
When you pair acknowledgement of the situation with what’s possible, your body starts to believe it’s safe, and your response follows.
*unless their safety is in danger
Back-to-School Emotions Post Work
After the storm passes, don’t just shove it down or power through. What you do after the meltdown matters just as much as what you do during it. This is your moment to reset, reconnect, and learn, for both of you.
Regulate Yourself. Even if you held it together, stress likely still built up in your body. Take a few minutes alone to activate your vagus nerve. You can stretch, shake it out, do a few rounds of deep breathing, or go for a quick walk. Move stress so it doesn’t stay stuck.
Repair the Connection. Once your child has calmed, circle back. You don’t need a big speech. Something simple like, “That was a hard moment. I love you. We’re okay.” goes a long way in rebuilding safety and trust, which is the foundation of nervous system regulation.
Reflect Without Blame. Instead of judging how you handled the situation, ask: “What did my body need that it didn’t get?” Maybe it was food, rest, or a break. Reflect as awareness like this enables insight for next time.
Helping your kids (and yourself) to emotionally regulate is not easy, but start practicing these tips and you’ll find your back-to-school transition goes a lot smoother for everyone. Message us @theCityMoms on Instagram and tell us if you try any of these tips. We want to cheer you on!
