When your ex's wife becomes your bestie
From self-proclaimed bitter ex-wife to a beautiful friendship, CityMom Amanda Brown shares her personal experience navigating the challenges of a blended family, the unexpected joy that can arise, and some words of advice for newly divorced mamas.
Can your ex's new wife become your bestie?
ex wife bestie - theCityMoms
In short, yes. When Amanda found herself solo parenting her two young boys in addition to returning to school following her 2013 divorce, she was “in a bad mental space.” Not only was single parenting hard, but her ex had started to date someone new. Amanda was initially angry and resistant to have any interactions with this woman before coming to terms with the fact that if she was going to be in the children’s lives, it would be important to get to know one another. Nearly eight years later, not only have Amanda and the woman who her ex would go on to marry found a way to co-parent together {trading weekends to make sure the kids don’t miss family events on either side, presenting a united front with consistent expectations at both homes}, but the two have grown to become very close friends. Amanda shares that they regularly talk and do things together, including planning a week-long trip to Disney World that included the boys along with Amanda and her now husband plus her ex and the kids’ “bonus mom. “You should do everything you need to for your kids,” asserts Amanda, explaining that this is the shared belief that allows for easy co-parenting without fighting or causing the kids to miss out. “We just happen to get along, as different as we are. We share the same family values and try to stay as positive as we can for the kids.” It’s this attitude and the understanding that the kids have additional people who love them just as much as their biological parents that has turned what can be a contentious dynamic within blended families into a joyful one.
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So what advice does Amanda have for other moms who are newly divorced or just starting down the path toward a similar, blended family situation?
Seek counseling. Identify your insecurities and work toward setting them aside. Amanda admits that she feared “losing her children to someone else” and was able to share this with her ex’s girlfriend early on. After taking the time to get to know her, Amanda realized that it was actually an advantage, not a threat to her role as mom, to add another caring adult into the mix.
Identify boundaries and work toward establishing a routine. In addition to acknowledging the relational dynamics of the situation, Amanda encourages co-parents to formulate a plan for visitation and be open about expectations. Setting limits where needed and building in some structure is helpful for both the kids and the adults involved.
Keep the lines of communication open and focus on what’s in the best interest of the kids. For Amanda and her co-parents, at the root of everything lies the shared commitment to their children. “We need to make sure we’re passing down good values and good morals and raising good human beings that are going to be a productive member of society,” reflects Amanda.
Having each added a daughter to the mix within the last couple of years, Amanda and her kids’ “bonus mom” continue to walk alongside one another through both life’s joys and trials. We at theCityMoms are so grateful for mamas like these two, who are setting a great example for their kiddos {and the rest of us!} as they selflessly work together for the good of their family. For those divorced or remarried mamas still struggling with relational dynamics, we see you and recognize that many co-parents do not share the same commitment to moving through hard things. We’re here for you, mamas, as you keep on keepin’ on and doing those hard things for your kids ❤
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Indy native Melissa Ranck is a social worker turned stay-at-home mom {who “stays at home the least” according to her friends–she loves ALLLL the play dates!} to three boys ages 9, 7, and 4. She is a preschool volunteer extraordinaire and also spends lots of time with the teens she leads in her church’s youth group.Melissa’s favorites include binge watching trash TV, McDonald’s Coke, napping, cooperative preschool, and novels with unbelievable happy endings.
