I decided to go back to work :: One mom's confession
When CityMom Elana reached out with an idea for this post, it was like everything she said resonated in our bones. We've all battled this: The decision to return to school, the workforce, remain at home. Which is the right decision for our family? Here's one mom's confession on when she decided to go back to work.I am so lucky… this is a privilege… so many people would love to trade places with me…For five years these were the personal mantras that I forced through my head. Then I began to hear the truth: I am unhappy… this is not for me… I hate cleaning and changing diapers… I’ve lost my identity… I used to be interesting… With this came the guilt: I’m letting the children down… I’m not engaged with the family… I spend too much time on the phone… I can’t be what they need me to be…When we lived in Washington DC, I was an attorney at a downtown law firm. The work was neither interesting nor rewarding. It wasn’t the type of law I had intended to practice. But, I loved it. I loved going to work and being with adults in an office. I loved having an income. We had two young children under four years old when I was surprised with my third pregnancy.
ANOTHER MOM CONFESSION: Baby, are you my last one?
Our choice became apparent almost immediately. We already felt like we were burning the candle at both ends. Our respective commutes were 45 minutes to an hour and fifteen minutes each way. Daycare in DC cost the same amount as instate tuition at many universities. With my third child I was becoming a stay at home mom.
I was nervous knowing I was being put in a role that I never envisioned for myself. But, I kept seeing the look of wistfulness in the eyes of working moms as they talked about how they would give anything to spend every minute helping their kids grow up. I was never a great housekeeper, and now the role of {as my husband called it} ‘home executive’ was to be mine. I loved the part of being with and playing with the kids. I hated the exhaustion, and always feeling like a failure because the house was cluttered and things were unkempt. I was never doing enough and I was becoming more and more unhappy. I didn’t realize how unhappy I was until my third child began kindergarten. We had gone through so many changes since I decided to stay home. We had a fourth child, we left DC and came here to Indiana, we sold and bought a home, we moved twice {first to a rental and then to our forever home}, my husband started a new and stressful job, my two oldest children went to three different elementary schools in one year, and I began having anxiety attacks. People told us a move would be stressful, but we were not prepared for the terrible strain on our marriage. There was nothing but stress and too little partnership. My husband wanted to come home to the peace of a clean and tidy home, and I was drowning in a giant home, anxious children, stressed out husband and an unfulfilled self.
So, I am heading back to work.
I am terrified both that I have lost all competence in my five year hiatus and that this wont be the panacea that I hope for. In many ways it seems like adding one more thing to an already over scheduled and hectic life. It is taking a huge chunk of my time away from the family and the home. How can I possibly succeed with less time and more work? I’m not sure, but I’m trying to listen to myself, my {self}.When I missed the deadline to apply for a job I wanted but wasn’t sure I wanted {if you know what I mean} I sobbed loudly and uncontrollably. When I got an interview and then a second interview I was excited and happy. I don’t know if this will work out, but I know what I was doing was not working for anyone. I need to be happy and I am sorry that I could not find that in the privilege that I know I was given. Sometimes I feel like I am not who I am supposed to be. For now I am not worrying about my failures, but only trying to find joy and self and bring myself back to my family. Even if that means spending less time with them.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Elana Fate is a recent transplant to the Indianapolis area. A former attorney from Washington D.C., she is looking forward to her new adventure as a Midwestern home executive. She lives with her husband and four kids, ages seven to almost two. Hobbies include, being stressed, drinking too much wine, eating too much food, and spending money she doesn’t have.
